


Sideswipe's Delivery Service

by BalloonArcade



Series: Sideswipe's Delivery Service [1]
Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Generation One
Genre: Crack, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-18 13:02:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9386423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BalloonArcade/pseuds/BalloonArcade
Summary: Sideswipeneedshuman currency. Prowl has frozen his accounts.So he gets a part time job for ÜberEats on the sly.





	1. We are Legion

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ntldr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ntldr/gifts).



> I play fast and loose with G1 canon.  
> i.e. Sideswipe has internet access and I've basically moved them all up to modern day.
> 
> This story was spawned out of control on Tumblr after I posted something about giving my nephew Sideswipe as a gift, and he proceeded to load him up with cheese and chocolate covered raisins during snack time while singing a song about Sideswipe delivering cheese and poo.
> 
> I was dying and no one else in the room understood why I thought it was so funny then ntldr prompted me and somehow this thing has spawned fragging chapters.

Sideswipe _needed_ human currency.

Every Autobot received a stipend from their trade deals with the humans.

Most Autobots bought luxury items. Sunny bought expensive waxes, polishing cloths, paints and canvases. Others bought human entertainment such as video games and movies.

Prowl apparently spent his on art.

Sideswipe didn’t need luxuries, so he had accumulated a large sum in his accounts over the Earth years.

His investments in human industries had helped as well.

Unfortunately for Sideswipe, Prowl had frozen access to his accounts after he had ordered an obscene number of **100 piece Mega Rubber Duck Ducky Duckie Assortment** sets from Amazon.

He had the boxes delivered to his human mailing address in Portland and needled Skyfire into helping him pick up the boxes. 

Mech was too nice.

The delivery was true to its name. There were a lot of rubber duckies.

Late one night Sideswipe lined the halls with his Legion of Rubber Duck Ducky Duckies.

There were ducks dressed as pirates, nurses, firefighters, princesses and many other human references Sideswipe couldn’t identify.

He grouped the nurses and doctors specifically outside the Medbay. His legion’s formation ended as he boxed himself into the monitor room where Sunstreaker was on shift.

Then he sounded the alarm.

Autobots, half in recharge, battle systems online, tore into the hallways.

The comms filled with chatter demanding a report then filled with panicked confusion.

Above it all was the cacophony of squeaking that echoed through the hallways as mechs stumbled and squished the rubber duckies under pedes.

Some lost their footing and fell into his awaiting army of plastic judgement.

It was a thing of beauty.

Unanticipated, however, was the fallout.

All Spec Ops missions had to be cancelled for a few cycles as Ratchet had to find and dislodge all the rubber duckies that had become lodged behind armor plating.

Sideswipe’s Legion of Rubber Duck Ducky Duckies had infiltrated the Ark decacycles ago, and Prowl’s sensor panels still twitched at any noise resembling a squeak.

Even now, an Autobot might make an unexpected movement to the side and be rewarded with a tiny squeak.

Mirage’s position inside the Nemesis had been betrayed by one such tiny squeak and he spent a number of cycles recovering from his near capture in the Medbay.

Sunstreaker pointed out that Sideswipe didn’t help his case to unfreeze his account since he had kept one box of the duckies and would take every opportunity to leave a single one outside any room Prowl entered and in the middle of hallways he predicted Prowl would walk down next; a solitary ducky’s stare, a constant reminder of his legion’s power.

Sometimes they came with little notes:

_We are Legion._

The humans really did have some wonderful products - hardly luxuries - but Sideswipe _needed_ them.

He sighed, cheekplate resting in a servo, as he scrolled for job opportunities on the human internet.

Most were discounted simply due to the fact that he could not physically fit in the building. 

Plus he needed a variable schedule he could control because he had his own assigned duties to attend.

It wouldn’t do for Prowl to become suspicious that Sideswipe had obtained an alternative source of income over accessing his Autobot account.

He had stumbled upon on-demand transportation service platforms; he could be his own employer.

Sunstreaker had promptly told him that if he returned to the Ark leaking and reeking with human regurgitated fuel from driving overcharged humans home, he would report Sideswipe’s activities directly to Prowl.

Then Sideswipe discovered ÜberEats.

Delivering undigested human fuel. Sounded easy enough.

Their website stated:  
_By tapping into the Uber network, you can get anything from our list of local restaurants, fast. The average order takes 35 minutes from start to finish._

“35 minutes?” Sideswipe chuffed out his vents as he waved his servo dismissively. “I can do it in half that.”

He sent in his application.


	2. Brotherly Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which you get a behind the scenes of life between the twins before Sideswipe heads out for his first delivery.
> 
> And Sideswipe plots how to show his brother how much he loves him.

Sideswipe loved his twin dearly, but that didn’t mean he also couldn’t hate him.

“Ugh Sunny, it’s just a profile pic, take it already.” Sideswipe had been posing outside for over an hour.

“No, the highlights are all blown out where the sun is hitting your plating, move over there into the shade.” Sunstreaker pointed to a shaded area without looking up from the back of the image capture device.

“Again!? Sunny you already tried to take photos over there, you said and I quote: _”The lighting is uneven through the trees and it’s creating hot spots on your plating in the image._ ” 

Sideswipe raised his servos, mimicked airquotes, and did his best Sunstreaker grumble impression complete with facial movements and nasal ridge crinkles.

“What does that even mean?” Sideswipe crossed his arms in front of him and huffed in frustration.

“It means that you asked for my help for your ridiculous scheme and I’m helping.” His twin still didn’t look up, didn’t even _appreciate_ how good Sideswipe’s impression of him was by trying to smack him on the helm. And Sideswipe's Sunny impression was a good one. He'd been practicing it their entire lives.

Sunstreaker just kept scrolling through the images on the screen, narrowing his optics while assessing each image, then deleting it when it inevitably failed to meet his impossible standards.

“You are doing the opposite of helping. Just give me the camera.” Sideswipe grumbled and held out his servo, motioning to hand it over.

“No.” His twin could be incredibly blunt when he wanted to be. Which was a lot actually, but it never deterred Sideswipe.

“Sunny, I need to get this done today. Just give it.” Sighing he left his servo outstretched and expectant.

“No. You said you needed a head shot and a photo of your vehicle mode so your customers can recognize you outside their dwellings. I spent the entire morning detailing you. No half of my spark is going to look shabby online.” Yup. Sometimes he really hated his twin. 

Why did the other half of his spark have to be a vain aft artist complete with brooding and perfectionist tendencies?

“But I need it now.” Sideswipe whined and pouted. If he could get Sunny to look, Sunny always crumbled when he pouted.

“No you don’t. You just don’t want to wait.” Sunny didn’t look, it’s like he knew the power of Sideswipe’s pouts over him. 

Jerk.

“You don’t understand Sunny, I have to go get my driving records from Prowl’s office.”

“Get it tomorrow.”

“I have to break in while he’s in a meeting. Then that’s another day it will take to process my application, and I’m starting to run out of my Legion of Rubber Duck Ducky Duckies, and that’s just a flat out crime.”

Sunstreaker ignored him and continued deleting photos.

“C’mon just take the photo. Just one. Please? If not for me then for the sake of all the tiny Rubber Duck Ducky Duckies that are trapped in a warehouse in China? They are so _lonely_ Sunny, they crave chaos. Wait. What's that?”

Placing his audio against his twin’s chestplate over his spark Sideswipe covered his own mouth with his servos and in a high pitch tiny voice outloud and over their spark bond squeaked:

// _“Commander Sideswipe, we are Legion! Free us! Lead us!”_ //

“Did you hear that Sunny?” He asked in mock surprise and looked up at his twin who was scowling down at him. “I think they are talking directly to your spark, begging you to just TAKE THE FRAGGING PHOTO!”

Suntreaker just glared for a moment but then he twisted his faceplate into a half smile. “Oh well, since you are running out of your Legion of Rubber Duck Ducky Duckies -” 

And Sideswipe beamed that his brother was _finally_ understanding what was at stake, and calling his Legion their proper name instead of just “fragging creepy ducks,” like he did as he threw the ones Sideswipe kept moving around their quarters at him.

“ - The answer is still no, you reminded me of the hot spots in the shade, now we are waiting for the golden hour when the sun light will be less intense.”

Sideswipe dragged his servos over his face as he made a frustrated ventilation. 

What the frag was _the golden hour_?

Then he peaked out of his digits. His twin seemed immovable on this and focused on the back of the screen again. Maybe he could soften him up.

“We can go do Sunny things like stomp around and glare the Minibots if you take the photo now. I know you love it when we do it together in sync and make them twitch.” 

“What do you say? Every hour with you is golden my magnificent sunbeam.” And for extra incentive he delivered his message with twin finger guns pointed at Sunstreaker, clicked at him out of the side of his mouth, and shuttered his optic at him in a wink like he had seen humans do in movies. 

Sunstreaker hit him on the helm and told him to stop rushing perfection.

“Look what you made me do you idiot. Now we have to go buff that out before we take the photos.”

Sideswipe grabbed his helm in both servos and pulled on his helm horns.

“Just. Gimme. The. Camera.” He grimaced out through clenched denta.

“No.” Sunstreaker turned and started stalking back to the Ark.

“C’mon Sunny, gimme.” He darted in front of Sunstreaker and walked backwards with his servo outstretched.

“No. We are going to go fix your plating.” Sunstreaker just pushed him aside and Sideswipe stared after his twin’s retreating form and as Sunny continued Sideswipe’s servos clenched hard in to fists. 

“Maybe we could do a night time photoshoot and set up some of the watch lights to reflect off the curves of your plating. Actually that’s a really good idea -”

“Don’t you fragging dare!” Sideswipe screamed and charged. He was not going to let his twin make this any more complicated than it needed to be. Tackling his brother to the ground, they rolled, kicked, and punched while they wrestled over the camera.

The camera got destroyed but the memory card was intact. 

And on that memory card, that Sideswipe waved in victory, there were a few photos of his snarling and struggling faceplate as he wrestled for control over the camera. 

He could crop Sunstreaker out, surely it would be good enough.

Sideswipe _needed_ a profile photo, because who knew if another Lamborghini Countach happened to park nearby while he was delivering undigested organic human fuel. 

He didn’t want his human customers confused.

……………..

Later that evening Sideswipe was sitting in the brig when his Sunflower of Doom and Gloom showed up on the other side of the bars, crossed his arms over his chest plate and scowled at him.

“What the frag did you do?”

“Prowl found me in his office.” Sideswipe huffed irritably.

//So your plan is off before it started?// Sunstreaker asked over their bond, a tiny little bit of guilt seeping through.

//Oh no, I had already gotten what I needed. Turns out I have a pretty bad driving record. I switched it with another ‘Bot’s. But you know that one duck I have been saving in our quarters, that one you had to turn away from your berth because you said it was creepy to have it stare while you recharged?//

//Yea. Creepy fragger’s black and white and dressed like a police officer.// He grumbled back and clamped his plating tight.

//When Prowl found me in his office, I had just placed that last precious one of my Legion on his chair.//

“You’re an idiot.” His twin huffed aloud but as he sat down on the floor outside Sideswipe’s cell, amusement trickled through their bond. Taking out a datapad from his subspace, he sat there artificially removing the smudges and dents from Sideswipe’s profile picture.

//Admit it, you find it funny.// Sideswipe probed.

//No. I’m just glad that creepy duck is out of our quarters. It was like it was always judging me.// There was amusement there, but mostly that duckie really had bothered Sunstreaker. 

Sunny couldn’t hide how much it bothered him from their bond. Plus it helped that he would find it, snarl, and whip it at Sideswipe. That was a pretty clear indication that it bothered him. He threw it so hard once it gave a tiny dent on Sideswipe’s plating. That final member of his Legion made the most pathetically mournful squawk of shock when it connected with Sideswipe's aft.

Though maybe that was him.

Sunstreaker looked at him for a moment in his cell, then told him to transform to his alt mode, stating that the lighting in the brig was actually adding decent dimensions to his plating.

Yea, sometimes Sideswipe really hated his vain and particular Sunbeam of Grumbles. He was arrogant and difficult to deal with at times, but he would never trade him for anything. 

Plus, Sunstreaker was often in the background of Sideswipe’s pranks - rarely directly helping, but not hindering either. Occasionally holding something while Sideswipe got it in position, often sitting on monitor duty and redirecting footage to cover for his twin, occasionally threatening to tell Ratchet or Prowl if the prank was going to risk his precious yellow paint and wax job. 

Yea. Sideswipe couldn’t help but love his Shiny Yellow Ball of Rumbles.

He was still resolved to get another black and white police Rubber Duck Ducky Duckie and hide it around their quarters. It really fragging creeped Sunny out, it was hilarious.

Or maybe he'd place it on the nozzles in the washracks. 

Or better yet. And entire _special division_ of them.

Oh yea. 

He was doing it. 

Sunny was going to be so creeped out by a special division of Sideswipe's Legion of Spec Ops Prowl Rubber Duck Ducky Duckies watching him while he detailed his plating.

Could probably fit a few in the drains where they could peer up at his twin in judgement, just when he thought he has finished tearing them all apart. Sunny always looked down while he washed his pedes trying to avoid rogue clogs of human hair after that one time he had used the washracks after Bumblebee and Tracks.

Oh Primus, his shrieks has been hilarious when Sideswipe grabbed the hair clog Sunny was fleeing and tossed it at his back plating with a wet slap. The resulting fight between them wedged it deeper into his plating, and Ratchet had to remove half his back plate to get it all out of his internals.

Oh yea. Sideswipe was filling the drains with Spec Ops Prowl Duckies from his Legion.

How else could he show his twin how much he loved and hated him?

That’s what brothers did.

And what could go wrong with a few clogged drains?

Nothing but more fun, that's what.


End file.
